This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
