You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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