Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
You smell like stripper and shame
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
