Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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