Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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