just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize