how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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