If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I supernannyed him into submission
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize