You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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