did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
