Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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