we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
