Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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