woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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