Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
