I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
