I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
