We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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