she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
