He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
