One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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