Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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