Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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