At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
