I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
