You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
