Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
