DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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