theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
