the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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