I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
