in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
