When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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