Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
