I want to have your abortion
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
