ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize