Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
