Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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