My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
