if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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