Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You pole danced in your parka.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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