I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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