jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize