I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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