do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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