i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
