That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
