im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
