Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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