I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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