are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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