The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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