you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
