her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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