Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
