im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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