the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
