I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
